Someone hurt you. Badly, probably, or you would not be searching for this. And they have not said sorry. Maybe they never think about it at all. Maybe they know exactly what they did and simply do not care enough to say the words. Either way, you are stuck wondering whether God requires you to forgive them, and what that would even look like when there is no apology to receive.
Here is the truth, plain, the way an older sister would tell you: yes, you can forgive someone who is not sorry. Scripture tells you to. But forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing, and mixing them up has sent a lot of exhausted, well-meaning people right back into rooms with people who hurt them, thinking that is what forgiveness demands. It is not.
This is not going to be a speech about just letting it go and moving on. It is going to walk through what forgiveness actually is, what it is not, and what to do with your hands and your heart when the person who hurt you never turns around.
Forgiveness Is Releasing a Debt, Not Waiting on an Apology
The Bible pictures forgiveness as canceling a debt. When someone wrongs you, in a real sense they owe you something: an apology, an explanation, restitution, the ability to trust them again. Forgiveness means you stop demanding payment from them and hand the account over to God, who is a far more capable judge of it than you are.
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:32 (KJV)
Paul wrote this to real churches with real, ugly conflicts. He did not say forgive once they apologize. He grounded forgiveness in what God had already done for the people reading it, whether or not any of them had earned it.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same Thing
Reconciliation is a restored relationship. It takes two people, honesty about what happened, repentance from the one who did wrong, and usually time to rebuild trust. Forgiveness is something you can do alone, in your own heart, no matter how the other person responds. Reconciliation cannot be done alone.
Christians genuinely disagree on one piece of this. Some teach that forgiveness is entirely unconditional, a decision you make regardless of the other person, modeled on Jesus asking the Father to forgive the people crucifying him while they were still doing it. Others point to Jesus telling his disciples, "if he repent, forgive him" (Luke 17:3), and argue that full forgiveness is meant to follow repentance, while what is required of you immediately is to let go of bitterness and revenge, not necessarily to declare the relationship fully forgiven. Both views agree on the urgent part: you must release vengeance and bitterness now. They differ on whether the word forgiveness itself waits for the other person to turn around. It is worth knowing that disagreement exists so you do not think one teacher's phrasing is the only faithful one.
What Matthew 18 Actually Teaches
Matthew 18 gives two things side by side. First, a process for addressing sin between people who are in relationship: go privately, then with one or two others, then involve the wider community if needed (Matthew 18:15-17). That process assumes accountability, not silence. Second, when Peter asks how many times he has to forgive a brother who sins against him, Jesus answers with a number meant to end the counting altogether.
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Matthew 18:21-22 (KJV)
Right after that, Jesus tells the parable of a servant forgiven an enormous debt who then refuses to forgive a small one owed to him, and is judged harshly for it. The point is not that you owe someone infinite chances to keep hurting you. The point is that you have been forgiven so much by God that withholding forgiveness from someone else is a strange and costly thing to hold onto.
God Handles the Justice, You Don't Have To
Paul wrote to a persecuted church about how to treat people who genuinely wronged them.
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
Romans 12:19 (KJV)
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
Romans 12:21 (KJV)
Forgiving someone who is not sorry does not mean the wrong does not matter or will go unaddressed. It means you take your hands off the steering wheel of payback and let God, who sees perfectly, handle it. That can still include earthly consequences: police reports, courts, church accountability, ending a business relationship. Refusing personal revenge is not the same as refusing to seek justice through legitimate means.
What Forgiveness Is Not
- It is not saying what happened was okay, or minor, or your fault.
- It is not pretending to forget. Memory and trauma do not erase on command, and God does not ask you to lie to yourself about that.
- It is not automatic trust. Trust is earned back slowly, through changed behavior over time, not restored by a decision alone.
- It is not staying within reach of someone who is currently dangerous.
If the person who hurt you is actively abusive or you are in danger right now, forgiveness never requires you to remain in that home or relationship. Get safe first. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency services. In the United States you can call or text 988 for crisis support, and reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 if you are dealing with abuse.
Practical Steps for Forgiving Someone Who Isn't Sorry
- Name the debt honestly. Write down specifically what happened and what it cost you. Do not minimize it to make forgiveness feel easier.
- Bring it to God before anyone else. Pray honestly, even angrily. The Psalms are full of raw complaints laid before God, and he does not flinch at them.
- Make the decision to release, separate from your feelings. Forgiveness usually starts as an act of will. Feelings often follow later, sometimes much later, and that is normal.
- Decide what reconciliation requires, if any. If the person is safe but unrepentant, you can keep firm boundaries while your own heart is free of bitterness. If they show real repentance over time, honesty, accountability, changed behavior, reconciliation can become possible.
- Get support. A counselor, pastor, or trusted friend can help you process deep or repeated wounds, especially involving abuse, betrayal, or ongoing harm.
- Expect to keep releasing it. For serious wounds, forgiveness is often not one decision but a repeated one, revisited whenever the memory resurfaces.
You Are Not Betraying Yourself by Forgiving
Forgiving someone who never apologizes is not weakness and it is not pretending. It is costly obedience that frees you specifically, whether or not it ever changes them. You can release the debt and still keep your distance. You can let go of the desire for revenge and still call what happened wrong. Do the part that is yours to do, and leave the rest, including their heart, in hands far more capable than your own.
